I finally got back to church on Sunday. I have been faltering, wandering, wondering since Brian's death. Everything I knew to be true about God, about my life, turned out not to be so. It's been a long hard journey to get back to church, to find one I thought I could be in and understand; figure out who or what God is. I never doubted his existence but I couldn't figure out what kind of God would let my son die. The only prayer asking for things I prayed was "take care of my kids". Well, I did pray for Bill and after I got him, the only prayer was for our health and that God please watch over my kids. I still don't know who God is. Probably none of us do. But I want to know.
Fast forward through the years of doubt and anger and searching: I found a church in Maggie Valley that I felt comfortable in. Not completely but I felt it was a beginning.
Since I returned to Maggie (I'm only here half the year), one thing after another came up on Sunday (usually traveling) that kept me from going there and reconnecting.
I went Sunday and was filled with an energy, the energy of all those voices singing and all those heads bowed and all those people worshiping the same God I knew and loved so much. I felt more balance in my life than I have felt in so long. Because I have been away from church for so long, I think it might just be a fluke but I think not. I love feeling a part of this body all loving and seeking Him.
I'm so glad to get back. I still don't know any more answers than I did but I'm running on faith again and that feels comfortable and so very, very good to me.
Thank you Lord for leading me gently through that storm that doesn't seem to let up for very long. As long as I know you are there...I think I'll figure out the rest.
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6 comments:
That is beautiful !
Hi Cousin Judy, which unites us very closely in our "need" to be part of a church; our heritage demands it. Grandma Jackson was a dynamic force in the belief that you MUST be part of a church. Mom was a church starter, and in fact, was instrumental in starting the church of my childhood. Most of those memories are priceless, some of them are not so good.
In my own life, I was totally immersed in church for the first 22 years of my life, then floundered in and out for 5 years, and then finally, figured out for myself that, church is not the answer. In fact, for me, church is the anti-answer. To me, church is a poison, that makes an individual forsake his or her own search, and jump on everyone else's bandwagon. In my opinion, in church life, you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT search for God in your own way, that is not allowed. You can only do it within the confines of the particular dogma that your own denomination puts forth.
That's just me. That's what I have found. I don't discourage others from public worship, I only explain why public worship is not for me. I DO tell anyone who will listen: Search for God. It's obvious that He exists. Where do trees come from? What is this world all about? Why are we here? How else can you explain the miracle of birth?
I am so happy whenever I hear that anyone is questioning these things and searching for answers. But for me personally, I cannot get excited whenever I hear that they are looking for them in the church. But that is just me. That's what's great about humanity. We have the freedom to think as we see fit. That's all I'm saying. I DO wish you all the best in your journey, as I think you already know. I love you and hope you find all that you need for your journey.
Just had to put my two cents in, Judy! Love, Darrell
Darrell, thanks for posting your thoughts on religion, church family, and spirituality. I did think like you think for a long while after Brian's death...before that actually. I thought denominations got in the way of my spirituality. I still think that. However, going back, finding a church that I was comfortable in gave me a feeling of strength and support that I have missed so much.
You must be an "all or nothing" person with churches and denomination. I am not. I don't even know what the church I attend believes besides a few basics. I have never embraced the teachings of any church totally. That was always a problem for me but I came to believe that I could go the way of my conscious in any church that I felt comforable in for the most part. I think the church family can strengthen me and I know it can also destroy me.
Feeling at home in a church is the first step. I can take the good and leave the rest.
Thanks for your thoughts on that. Truthfully, I did wonder about it since you come from such a religious family.
Love you!
Judy: I wish you nothing but the best on your journey. Like I said, I am happy whenever anyone searches for God, in whatever way they are most comfortable doing. I hope you find what you are looking for. I can tell you this, the music still gets me. I still put Christian music on my ipod. I love Andrae Crouch, Hillsong, 2nd Chapter of Acts, lots of the old stuff. It brings me comfort. And I hope I wasn't ultra negative about church. That's just me--I don't mean to discourage anyone else. I can be a bit of a bully sometimes in my thinking, and I'm sorry for that. All I hope for is that you are happy.
I keep learning about you, cousin. The Angie story is fascinating to me, and what you have done with buying the house and everything is astounding. I truly hope that you and Bill have many rich, fulfilling years left to enjoy all of these seeds you are planting. Love, Darrell
P.S. Thank you for your kind words about Avery's chicken. Isn't life crazy? I never knew that I could be so affected by such a thing. Today, Avery is writing down her memories about Sarah, and she is drawing pictures to go along with it. I think she has the right idea. This was one of the suggestions from a friend of ours, and Avery liked the idea. Kids are so much wiser than we "old folks"..........
Judy, your entry could be a sermon... I am glad that this church fills you with energy. I always feel good when I am in church too, especially the communion part for some reason. That becomes more and more meaningful to me.
I know what you are saying about all the voices singing. My church has the most beautiful choir and wonderful soloists who, when they sing, sound like angels to me.
I am glad you are 'back' running on faith again, Judy; and I bet God is glad you are back too.
Judy,
I understand.
Kat
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