Sunday, November 9, 2008

Day 9 - Dreams Having to do with Loss

For Seconds
In the middle of the night I wake up whole again
my family is complete and my son’s
just away at college or work. I can look forward
to seeing my husband and daughter whose eyes
are bright with laughter, they look the same
as they did before he died, before the life we
shared was ruptured by that bullet.
In the middle of the night life is whole again
for seconds.

I think things are quiet and calm
That you are settled and doing well
Until I hear the news that you
Have another DUI and will be going to jail--
I feel the old stab in my heart
The pain that is so familiar now
And I don’t know what to say
I don’t know when things changed
When you became so bitter and expected things
Expected the world to treat you well
When you don’t treat yourself that way
Suicide is a long and agonizing process for you--
You don’t get it, you don’t understand
You feel you are suffering so much
I hope that it is true, that you are
That you will hurt enough to stop
I hope that the school, the jail,
The community service, the parole,
The pain you have caused yourself
The hurt you have caused others
Will sink in and things will change

In my memories of you and me growing up--

You were brave and had the answers 
how to survive in an unjust world
I followed you around like a puppy
you were my hero, my protector
You worked so hard, your back bent
you didn't expect much
We helped each other to grow up
From the corner of my eye I see you
Back then in the days of our youth
How strong you were, a real trail blazer
We all looked up to you.

In my dreams..

you wake up and take charge
of your life, you decide to stop
smoking and hacking, drinking
and suffering for it, hurting yourself
and others. In my dreams you
are capable and strong
take on life challenges
without any crutch, seek
help and you grow old
with your brothers, with me
instead of dying at age fifty-nine
and leaving us behind to
wonder why and miss you..


Peggy said...

Stunning Judy, both the poems about Bob and the one about Brian and the photos are heart-breaking. You write with such simple and direct eloquence. Amazing.

Mary said...

Such nice pictures of you with Brian and you with Bob.

And very strong poems about both.

SeaStar said...

Oh Judith - Oh woman of courage and heart and honest emotion! I hadn't seen a picture of you and Brian - and this one, so innocent and happy, has me weeping. We never know what's coming, any of us. And the writing! You really latch on to the way each of our scars and choices hit those who love us in the heart, the gut, the life. The writings about your brother - the truths you tell and the love withstanding his choices - are powerful statements of the complexity and preciousness of the human condition.

zellies said...

On the Camilla scale,that was a 10.
Seeing you and Brian reminded me of the beautiful picture you painted of him as an angel.
"It is what it is" and the Camillas help us get through it. It is the laughter that makes what "is" bearable... You are so strong!